Everything Tying Into One Another, Unexpectedly...

Strange. I was talking on the phone earlier to one of my best friends about how lately all these random things that have been going on with me, in different parts of my life, seem to be intersecting and interweaving with one another. (I'm not sure if those were the exact words I said, but that was the sentiment.) In regards to my art work, my latest art project [read the last post], visiting my high school art teacher last week, my memoirs class, the books I've been reading, the people that I've been coming across in my life lately, the conversations I've been having, a boy who I've been thinking much about, the e-mail I received from Mako two days ago, and the IAM conference occurring next month in NYC that I will be going to... I can't explain here, but in these last two or three weeks all these different parts of my life has been flowing together and tying into one another. In all these strange, mysterious, unexpected ways... they all seem to be pointing to something or somewhere that I cannot firmly grasp, but am excited and eager to follow this "thing's" lead.

Even just a few minutes ago...

I'm mulling over these interview questions from an arts writer who is doing a blog about me. One of the questions being "Who has influenced you the most as an artist?" I am getting into reflective mode as I ponder over his questions.; thinking back of when things really started changing for me and in my artwork. There is one person in particular who I am thinking of, who challenged me and questioned me and made me believe in a world full of possibilities... This had me looking at all these e-mails and letters from him that are almost ten years old. I found this from him, which was written four years ago:

"I wrote you a letter a few weeks ago and didn't mail it. No reason why I didn't... just didn't happen.

Lots of stuff isn't happening in my world right now. I feel like an emotional robot; or rather an UNemotional robot. Nothing new for me, I guess. I am starting to think that this is my natural state for the rest of my life... numbness and apathy and disillusion.

I want to be blown away by something... something to make me FEEL something.

I've ben stumbling through a couple short term, mostly solely physical relationships. they, of course, leave a big void where LOVE should (could) be... could it? Am I capable of love?

Loneliness isn't being alone. It's being unable to love some one back who truly cares about you. This has happened to me a few times now... Can this change?

I wish I were able to be more swept away by love and emotion. Our relationship was in many ways so incredible. We were in synch in lots of places, but I always have these walls of void that go up.

In so many ways, my life is really amazing. I just wish I could be amazed by some of it, once in a while."

The reason why I am posting this--and I hope he doesn't read this and hates me for doing so, we haven't really seen or talked to each other in years--in these last few days, I've been touching on this topic of love in different parts of my life, in conversations and so on... and now it's almost 2 in the morning and I find that e-mail.

I've been thinking a lot recently about why I do art and how I just want to create artwork that speaks to the soul, makes you feel... makes you question. Makes you have hope.

And I just found it absolutely fitting to have found this e-mail right now, from someone who had a major influence on me long ago... who taught me these things; and yet is searching to feel emotion, but does not feel capable of love....

Now years later, I wonder if he still feels this same way. And if he knows that meeting him and the way he has impacted my life has also influenced the way I care and love for people; because the way he loved me. (How can he not feel capable?) I wonder if he knows that his pointing out hope to me, seems to have spread... to greater lengths than he might not know. He has these lyrics from a song he wrote: "To teach one to look up, who teaches another to look up, who teaches another to look up."

Does he know, that that is exactly what he did?

It's getting late, now. I hope this blog post makes sense.

[Note: Also, just realized after reading this post, in regards to his e-mail stating: "It's being unable to love some one back who truly cares about you." I was also a few hours ago, re-reading Mako's essays. (Mako is also a major influence on my art) In particular "River Grace" in where he writes "We can only love if we are shown love." (Are you getting now how this is all freaking me out because everything has been relating to each other lately?) Also, of course this current art project I am working on--a meditation on George Herbert's "Love"--is about this very thing.... "Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back..."]