sneak peak

Very rough sketches for one of the pages of the artists book that I'm working on:

Self-Portrait in Progress, Pt. 4

I'm finishing up for today.

My smile started out becoming strong and then by the end of the day, diminished:



I'll start over again another time.

I liked how my skin and smile was before I screwed it up.

As for now, putting the self-portrait away.

To be continued...

Self-Portrait in Progress, Pt. 3.

24 1/2 hours later:

Taking a break now.

To be continued...

Self-Portrait in Progress, Pt. 2.

I picked up my self-portrait from Allison's house that I started at her Art Party from a few weeks ago. (Click HERE to see how it started out.)

I started painting over it with acrylic paint.

I'll keep on working on it and hope to finish it in these next couple of days.

But so far:



To be continued...

Art Spiegelman's "Maus I: A Survivor's Tale, My Father Bleeds History" and "Maus II: And Here My Troubles Began"

Finally read Art Spiegelman's Maus. Still completely speechless after reading it. Still having intense dreams since reading it.

I xeroxed these particular pages and am now pinning it to the walls of my office:

[click for larger image]

Excerpt from C.S Lewis, "The Four Loves"

Meditating on artists book project I am working on:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

~ C.S Lewis, "The Four Loves"

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My plan is to continue to work on this artist book and have it finished before the end of Valentine's Day; Have it up and uploaded on Geli Girl Notes by Monday.

We will see.

Artist Trading Cards

Here's another work in progress:

This time, artist trading cards. I've been meaning to do these for a while... so when my friend Cristalynn asked me if I wanted to get together to do something creative, I said yes. We decided to meet in a coffeeshop and work on artist trading cards.

In the last year I've been planning to do a drawing or painting series based on waiting rooms at the doctor's office. Because of my lupus, I have spent the last nine years, both in Chicago and in Michigan being a patient. There is a mix of bored-ness, anxiety, impatience, sadness, interesting conversations and so on and so forth that take places in these waiting rooms.

So I've decided to do this series with artist trading cards, since having lupus is a huge part of who I am in life.

Also, still experimenting with watercolor pencils and pen in this project. Very fun.

Who wants to trade when I'm finished?

Work-In-Progress

Last night I finished the prep work in making the book covers and pages for my artists book. Also took some reference pictures for the illustrations I will be creating on the pages.

Everything Tying Into One Another, Unexpectedly...

Strange. I was talking on the phone earlier to one of my best friends about how lately all these random things that have been going on with me, in different parts of my life, seem to be intersecting and interweaving with one another. (I'm not sure if those were the exact words I said, but that was the sentiment.) In regards to my art work, my latest art project [read the last post], visiting my high school art teacher last week, my memoirs class, the books I've been reading, the people that I've been coming across in my life lately, the conversations I've been having, a boy who I've been thinking much about, the e-mail I received from Mako two days ago, and the IAM conference occurring next month in NYC that I will be going to... I can't explain here, but in these last two or three weeks all these different parts of my life has been flowing together and tying into one another. In all these strange, mysterious, unexpected ways... they all seem to be pointing to something or somewhere that I cannot firmly grasp, but am excited and eager to follow this "thing's" lead.

Even just a few minutes ago...

I'm mulling over these interview questions from an arts writer who is doing a blog about me. One of the questions being "Who has influenced you the most as an artist?" I am getting into reflective mode as I ponder over his questions.; thinking back of when things really started changing for me and in my artwork. There is one person in particular who I am thinking of, who challenged me and questioned me and made me believe in a world full of possibilities... This had me looking at all these e-mails and letters from him that are almost ten years old. I found this from him, which was written four years ago:

"I wrote you a letter a few weeks ago and didn't mail it. No reason why I didn't... just didn't happen.

Lots of stuff isn't happening in my world right now. I feel like an emotional robot; or rather an UNemotional robot. Nothing new for me, I guess. I am starting to think that this is my natural state for the rest of my life... numbness and apathy and disillusion.

I want to be blown away by something... something to make me FEEL something.

I've ben stumbling through a couple short term, mostly solely physical relationships. they, of course, leave a big void where LOVE should (could) be... could it? Am I capable of love?

Loneliness isn't being alone. It's being unable to love some one back who truly cares about you. This has happened to me a few times now... Can this change?

I wish I were able to be more swept away by love and emotion. Our relationship was in many ways so incredible. We were in synch in lots of places, but I always have these walls of void that go up.

In so many ways, my life is really amazing. I just wish I could be amazed by some of it, once in a while."

The reason why I am posting this--and I hope he doesn't read this and hates me for doing so, we haven't really seen or talked to each other in years--in these last few days, I've been touching on this topic of love in different parts of my life, in conversations and so on... and now it's almost 2 in the morning and I find that e-mail.

I've been thinking a lot recently about why I do art and how I just want to create artwork that speaks to the soul, makes you feel... makes you question. Makes you have hope.

And I just found it absolutely fitting to have found this e-mail right now, from someone who had a major influence on me long ago... who taught me these things; and yet is searching to feel emotion, but does not feel capable of love....

Now years later, I wonder if he still feels this same way. And if he knows that meeting him and the way he has impacted my life has also influenced the way I care and love for people; because the way he loved me. (How can he not feel capable?) I wonder if he knows that his pointing out hope to me, seems to have spread... to greater lengths than he might not know. He has these lyrics from a song he wrote: "To teach one to look up, who teaches another to look up, who teaches another to look up."

Does he know, that that is exactly what he did?

It's getting late, now. I hope this blog post makes sense.

[Note: Also, just realized after reading this post, in regards to his e-mail stating: "It's being unable to love some one back who truly cares about you." I was also a few hours ago, re-reading Mako's essays. (Mako is also a major influence on my art) In particular "River Grace" in where he writes "We can only love if we are shown love." (Are you getting now how this is all freaking me out because everything has been relating to each other lately?) Also, of course this current art project I am working on--a meditation on George Herbert's "Love"--is about this very thing.... "Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back..."]

Why does inspiration have to strike so late at night? It's past 4 a.m. now and I forced myself to make sleepy time herbal tea. I was getting ready for bed and then just a little after midnight an idea struck that I can't stop thinking about it. A new piece is weighing heavily on my mind and I started sketching it out quickly. It makes me not want to go to my memoirs writing class on Tuesday, makes me want to skip going to physical therapy this week, makes me put down books that I've been reading, makes me put aside my comic for a while... These past few days I've already lost track of facebook feeds and twitter feeds and blog feeds, e-mails, and so forth because working on different kinds of things and trying to leave the house as much as possible... but now. I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out until it's finished. This is an unexpected piece. Probably the best kind. I've laid out the piece in my notebook, thumbnail sketches and all. I want to make a final draft before proceeding... I've even brought out all the possible art supplies and materials I will be using for this.

I keep writing notes.

It's going to be a mixed media piece. An artist book. A mediation on Simone Weil's conversion and George Herbert's poem "Love." It's about being captivated, allured, drawn in, compelled.... vs. resisting and holding back. It's about fear. It's about my own struggles with the faith. It's about surrendering, being vulnerable, being drawn down to the knees.
It's about perfect love casting out fear.

I want to work on it now except that it's too late and I don't want to be tired during the day. But this piece is calling out to me. If I were to work this late, I would have to already be on the homestretch... on to completion.

I am going to sleep now. When I wake up for the day, the first thing I'm going to do is find my copy of Coltrane's "A Love Supreme" to listen to while I work on this.